So this is what they call dreaming?

I am graduating in a few months and that means I need to prepare myself for whatever I need to face.  

A few months ago, after a long talk and lots of tears dropped in confusion, I have made my decision on where to go after High School.  

I have decided to apply to NTU. Yes, that university on Singapore. But I am Indonesian. I know. and here is my story.  

At first I didn’t put so much care about this, actually. I took it so easily. I am applying and aiming for scholarship at one of Singapore’s top university and my reaction is not bigger than hmm no big deal blablabla. But then a shock awaited me. Indonesia’s curriculum and Singapore’s is obviously different. I knew that but I wasn’t fully aware of the meaning of ‘different’.  

Up til two months ago when my mom bought me an excercise book to let me study for the entrance exam. I tried to analize and solve the problems given but I had to give up. Why? because only by then I understood how difficult and different their curriculum is! This stupid A level test.. Damn it is just super complicated and strange! how am I supposed to pass??? dang it. Not only that. Later that month I realized the fact that.. You are not 100% guaranteed to be shortlisted for exam. only the ‘lucky’ ones that r going to be called and that means chances of being ‘not shortlisted’ a.k.a not called for exam is.. huge.  
I still remember clearly that night when I learnt about this fact. I cried my heart out all night and when I woke up I found out how my eyes were swollen so badly. I never noticed how my feelings grew from taking this easily into wanting this so badly.  

Without realizing it, I started to yearn for it even more. When I first found out how hard their curriculum is.. I was scared. But strangely motivated. It feels like I found a huge rock that I couldn’t move. and instead of being annoyed or gave up.. I found this as something challenging. I started to want it badly, even tho at first I was scared and worried. (it’s not that I am no longer scared or worried….. ah you know what I mean right -__-) But after the news that I am not guaranteed to be shortlisted for the entrance exam.. I was super ready to give up. It feels like.. it’s not worth it. I don’t even know whether I would face the exam or not. Why should I prepare myself? what if I had prepared crazily and I was not called for exam? what should I do?

One obstacle to another.. it feels as if that ‘rock’ that I’m facing is just growing bigger and bigger. But through these processes my passion to reach for this impossibility strangely grew rapidly.  

I feel so excited inside, I feel like as if there’a a fire is burning inside (?) lol. As if.. my passion grew bigger and bigger after every obstacle.  

I realize that I would have to sacrifice so many things on the way. My time. My holiday. (Yeah, my year end holiday would be spent by studying hard everyday, hooray). My friends (hang out requests turned down).. I have to re arrange all the orders of my life to run toward sonewhere really foggy. My road is not even guaranteed yet. No one can tell if that road really exist. But still.  

Some might say it is stupid and too risky. Some might say it’s just not worth it.. Even myself said so at first.But I want it! My will got bigger and bigger everytime and I can’t stop this thing that I have started right?  

Everything feels so unfamiliar and strange, so stupid but real.   Tell me. So this is what they call dreaming,huh? I see now. Well then. wish me luck. 😉 *finger crossed*

I owe my parents and family a huge time. Without their support I know I wouldn’t be this brave. 🙂 thanks for the encouragements!

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