The Burden of Freedom

burden

University was crazy as hell.

I do make so many new friends, countless of them, and I also found so many crazy activities that I don’t even know existed before.. It’s been exciting and overwhelming. This is my 6th (or 7th?) month in university, and I am still amazed by this.

But university actually slapped me in the face. It hadn’t been so nice and smooth.

My scores were okay. Not so bad..

My future for the next 4 years are guaranteed, I just need to do well, that’s all.

But still it bothers me a lot.

I never knew that university would be this free.

I mean, seriously. Nobody scolds you if you’re late. Nobody demands you to work on your tasks, it’s really just up to you. Nothing matters if you’re absent. Your teachers don’t mind. Your friends could understand, they don’t mind. In fact, some might even be celebrating cause that means one less competitor in the room.

So, nobody does. Maybe your parents, but .. well even your parents know you’re a grown up now, and you don’t need to be scolded.

See?

I never realized that it would freak me out like this, because it actually means it’s up to me how I would spend my days. No more obligation.

I used to force myself to get to school because I know I have to do that. There will be crazy consequences  if I don’t. I hated it, but I just know I have to endure it. I have to wake up every morning, having the same routine, and do what I have to do when they tell you to do.

But now.. It’s all up to me. When do I want to wake up? What do I want to do? Who would I like to socialize with? Who would I seek help to?

Nobody yells at you and tell you that you need to be on your table at once, or that you need to help certain people in the class, or that your scores are failing you, or that they are proud of your scores..

Now it’s all about me. I decide. Isn’t that just cruel?

All those years, spent by blaming people for giving me tons of work to do.. and now as a substitute, I could blame no one but myself. If I want to improve, I have to work, and I have to work harder to reach higher.

All those years knowing that you’ll get yelled for being late.. now you won’t have it, and you could only rely on yourself – do you want to wake up or not? do you want to move? do you want to study?

I – well.. honestly. I am not ready for this. This felt like a real culture shock for me.

I end up feeling empty everytime.

At some times, I would feel like I need people to talk to.. but I have no friends to talk to! I have to actually give out extra effort to meet my favorite people! I have to be extra nice to have someone to talk to! I have to give out efforts for people to notice that I exist!

Such surprise.. oh gosh honestly. i am not prepared. at all.

At other times, I would felt like I have nothing to do. Even though the assignments given to you were clear and stuffs.. I have to figure things out myself, I have to know what the demands are myself – they don’t tell you what they need. You don’t know the definition of ‘the best’, you just have to figure it out yourself. No one’s going to explain to you just like the old times. Crazy.

And sometimes, no one asked you to do anything. Those are the worst time ever. Cause I’ll be standing there, clueless. Even if I kept on staring to the lectors til my eyes popped out of its caves, I still won’t get anything. No clue. Nothing.

It’s like saying.. “you’re free. Now do anything you want.”

Some people waited for that chance. While me? well.. I thought I did too. But eventually, I’m not. Cause I don’t really know what I wanted to do. Do I want to study? No, but I need to. Do I need to wash my laundry? No, but I think I need to do so. Do I want to socialize and be nice to people? At some points, no. But I know I need to do so.

What do you want to do now? I don’t effin know.

Seriously.

They say.. Do what you love. Really? What do I love? Bah, no idea. I only know about what should be done and what should not be done. Nothing more, nothing less. Obligation, needs, that’s all. No plans, no idea where to go.

Do I want to be the top student at class? I don’t know. Do I?

Do I want to be known by the lectors as the brightest student? I don’t know.

Do you love the study program that you’re in right now? I.. don’t know.

What is your dream job? Hell. I don’t know.

Nothing seems right for me. Nothing seems ‘exciting’. Nothing engages my passion, and burnt them.. Nothing.

Do you feel this way too, readers?

well.. my parents told me that it’s just a phase of life that everyone goes through. I would get over it too.

But I’m not quite sure. Really? Will I? Will I ever find that one thing or that many things that I want to do in life? Will I?

Because I’d love to have such list, and do each one passionately.

I wonder if Einstein had ever asked himself such a question. Did he ever think of being the smartest person on earth once in his life? I wonder. Did Thomas A. Edison know that he was going to be the one who invented crazy stuffs? Did the Wright brothers know that they would be the ones that reach the success of helping people to fly? Did J.K. Rowling know that she would write a crazy phenomenon?

Daddy said that I should just face anything and do anything offered by life. I’ll eventually find the path too, he said.

Really?

Being free to do anything in life puts a great burden on my shoulders. Cause that means that I could use my time for anything in this world – and whatever that I choose would matter. That’s what’s going to shape my future and people involved in it. Knowing that I have such power.. actually frightens me.

Cause I don’t know what I should be doing. Or what I should working on. Or what should I chase. I know nothing about the future.

Will I be a good gift for the world? Will I do anything right? Will I live myself fully? Will I have regrets? Oh my.

So many questions, so many thoughts, so little answer..

~

There’s many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand. 

But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.

~

Maybe.. I should just do what daddy said. I should just.. do my best in any situation. And eventually, I’d find the path. Something that’s right to be done with my freedom.

=Colossians 3:23-24=

By the way, hello everyone. It’s my blog’s anniversary. Yay 🙂 It’s been fun. 5 years of craziness ^^

Some people might have earned money from blogging if they had done it as long as me, but I didn’t.. well, I never intended to do so anyways and I am not really (or yet) interested in doing so either. So let’s just do our best. Ciao! ^^

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