On having a crush..

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This.. is actually embarassing, but I think it’s pretty important for me to share. This is about me – about us – who are falling into the deep pot of love..

Having a crush

SO. This guy might not be that special for others – but he’s special for you, somehow. He’s not even that handsome.. but HE IS handsome! Right? No, he’s.. just charming.

I’ve been going through this phase, where I just went crazy because of a guy.. for no obvious reason.

He’s available, he’s nice, he’s charming in so much way.. and I just got withdrawn into him. Like he’s a blackhole and I’m just a random molecule flying in the space.. and I got sucked up with his charm. I think other girls feel the same way too. Just a lucky guess, tho. Or maybe it’s just me? AH I don’t know. see. dilemmas. dramas. ohmy. But one thing for sure – I’m not gonna lie – I am falling for this guy.

I kept thinking about him, notice him wherever he is, feeling happy whenever I see him, and… uh.. feeling nervous every time he’s around.. well, that’s pretty much what I feel.

I got to chat with him, sometimes. He’s a good guy, he’s fine.. he’s witty in his own way, annoying yet lovable. So.. I don’t know why I kept felling in the same hole. Everytime he’s around me, everytime I got the chance to talk to him, to meet him, to meet his eyes, to smile at him.. I just felt different. It’s different, it’s special.. somehow. please don’t tease me because of this… lol

But one more thing that I know is.. he’s .. like an ecstasy. I don’t know how taking those pills feels like, but I know I’m addicted. I’m obsessed. And that’s so not cool.

I’m a girl, and even tho some might enjoy being cute and weak, I HATE it when I act miserable.. like when I miss him. Or when I desperately want to talk to him. How I checked his facebook page more than once just to see if he updates. How I kept thinking of a way to say hi without being too obvious. How I kept wishing he’s the one who’s texting me, or chat me, or mention me, or whatever.

  1. just. Hate. That. It’s stupid. But I can’t seem to stop. Everytime I thought I’m done, I’ll see his eyes once again, and I know I can’t move on. Seriously, this is dragging me down.

I kept feeling stupid. Falling in this so-called love drives me crazy. I can’t concentrate on things, I kept wanting him, I kept acting stupid.. I don’t want to fill my days with this. This is not something that will give any impact on the world.

I have one passion that I believe in – I want to be someone who’s contributing. I want to be the best version of myself so that I could be a bless for the world around me. And being this way.. is just pure annoying. I know if I kept on feeling and acting this way, NO ONE’s gonna feel blessed. Not even him. Even if he is interested somehow in me, I know this kind of act will just push him away instead. Cause I know I will do so if someone gets so draggy and attention-seeking like how I’m currently feeling/acting. 😦

And so I decided I have to stop. I can’t be this way. Wasting my time by missing him and scrolling down on facebook just to check his profile again and again.. that’s just stupid. I need to stop. And I’ve been struggling to do so for almost three months by now. Now I think I got some way of thinking to stop being stupid. And that’s what I will share with you now.

Hey, before we start.. this is my very first time. You know, my very first time.. seriously falling for a guy. I’m serious. Before this, it would be nothing but.. a mere “like” and stuffs instead of this crazy beautiful-blackhole-sucking-like feeling. So .. yeah. Here’s my two cents that I kept telling myself.

  1. He is free to like anyone he wants.

AAAAND that means, he could like you back, or maybe not at all. Never. Like, ever. Yes, there’s a chance that he’s going to like you back and everything.. but like its’ name; it’s a chance. It could happen, and it could also go the other way. Nobody really knows. You could be his ideal type, or maybe not. Maybe he’s already into someone else, or maybe not looking for anyone, or maybe.. he’s into you!

BUT.. Just know that this is real life, he’s not the prince that will fall in love with you at once because the two of you danced in your dream last night. Come on. This is life, not Disney.

OF COURSE, there’s always that chance that this guy likes you back. But even if he doesn’t – know that it’s not such a big deal. Loving him is okay, and if he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s cool. Why? Because that means you’re not meant to be. Just that easy! ahahaha. it’s not that easy, I know. but it is that easy! 

And if you’re not meant to be, that means you’re up for things that are better. YAAAAS!! xD

This truth is hard to swallow. I could feel fear whenever I tried to adapt this way of thinking.. because by liking this guy, I wish I would be liked as well, and that he will be mine.. to be honest, by liking I feel also like owning. I don’t feel like letting go of this idea. And that’s just wrong.

Love. is. not. about. possession. right?

  1. Surround yourself with life! DUH!

I kept falling into the same pit of misery – thinking about him endlessly.

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Kept wondering if he likes anyone right now, wondering if he’s thinking about me too, if he’s busy, if he hates me.. geez. That’s just tiring.

And so I decided to surround myself with life. I work my way to finish my studies, my neverending assignments, conversations and all fun stuffs with my friends, whisper gossips, i know. gossips are not cool. sorry. church activities, now that’s cool ;P family stuffs, household chores.. anything. I just know I have to fill my head with other stuffs.

Get a nice, meaningful, busy life.

Cause hey, what does the thoughts of him gives you? Nothing but misery. YES. Exactly. So why bother spending your precious time, energy, potential, and thoughts for something that will give you nothing? Your life is definitely more precious than just chasing over a guy. Stop chasing. Do good things. And if you think about it this way – isn’t a girl who lives her life to the fullest seemed more attractive than a sad, crybaby, draggy girl who does nothing but chasing boys? See? He’s NOT your world (yet, for some). So why live in a life you don’t belong?

Use your time, energy, your EVERYTHING on things that seriously matters. Finish your degree. Hangout with your friends. Talk! even the most nonsense talk could help to ease the thought of him. So I did that – and that works pretty okay.

firends ARE the best! :D
friends ARE the best! 😀
  1. Know that it’s here for a reason and that it’s okay. But….

Falling in love is a natural process. It’s in your genes, duh. You can’t run away from it, even when you want to. You have to face the fact that your hormones and your brain’s playing games on you when it happens. And you should not feel bad about it. Cherish every moment – enjoy it while it lasts.

But one thing for sure – don’t. get. trapped. It is nice and cuddly and everything.. but I know that being in love with someone is not (and should never be) an obsession. If that happens, you’re in the wrong lane, sister. Your relationships will be nothing but endless wish to own the others’ life, instead of accepting his life and knowing that this relationship will make your life even more rich, and is a tool for you to grow even more mature and more like a bless.

Your feelings are there for you to glorify the LORD. Knowing this helps a lot. I realized that afterall, I know why I’m here in the first place, and I should do nothing but to live by that belief and truth.

I’m not gonna say that by knowing this I turned into a wise, fine girl, full with self control, blah-blah-… I still fall to the same pit! Today’s the last day before the holiday.. and thinking of the fact that I won’t be meeting him for the next few weeks because he’s going on a vacation saddens me. And I almost go crazy because of it. (hehe, exaggerations~~~ but that’s.. well, true.)

But then I came to the thought that.. hey, he’s not everything. I can’t let myself feel sad and get drowned just because of this – that’s obsession. And so I decided to do some other things. Like having really nice chat with my friends, write this post, planning for my weekend with my family.. and other stuffs.

Doing these or thinking this way might not be suitable for you, I don’t know. But one thing that I know is that love will come when it’s the right time. We should stop worrying, and just live our life well. 🙂

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