it’s December. It’s the finals week. It’s also the beginning of the cold, wet, gray, rainy days. It’s almost the end of the year too…
I have never imagined that my life this year would pass as fast as this. It feels just like yesterday when I spent my first days on January sitting beside a man-made lake, praying and reflecting on things I need to fix and things I need to achieve.
I remember my high school days. The days when I was filled with nothing but anticipation for university life – a confidence that shouts out loud : “I can do all things if I work hard. I can always do well, because I know I can and I am so not going to waste my time!”
I still had that kind of confidence when I started my first year. I still have most of it earlier this year.
But somehow, life started to be even clearer to me.
It started with having a crush. I had my very first love, like seriously falling for a guy this year. I have never felt such feelings before. And somehow, by having a crush, I started thinking of things I never thought of before. I started to seriously consider if I am someone who’s ready for a relationship. Have I loved myself enough, build a strong enough relationship with God, to accommodate such feelings and connection with a guy?
And suddenly, some stuff came up, and I also had my very first so-called ‘broken heart’ this year. Amazing, huh. I even had series of slight depression for a whole month because of it. Crazy. I can’t even imagine that.
But somehow it was resolved, and the crush continues on. With a different intensity, of course.
The next big thing was my days. I decided to take on a voluntary job as a language teacher in a small private school that was started with my parents’ idea and built together with my church a few years back. It was one of the craziest ride ever. I had to face kids ranging from 5 years old to 9, and it was not an easy job even though I have had 4-5 years experience in teaching at the church’s Sunday School. It was different, it was hard, and time-consuming. Not to mention the energy consumed trying to do a good job in it.
I also spent lots of time in the church. I spent 3 evenings every week in the church or doing church-related activities, and one full day (Sunday) at the church. I also (still) have additional language class that I have to attend twice through the week in the evening. So, yeah. Basically, I only have one peaceful evening every week for myself. And guess what I used those evenings for? Laundry.
I thought I could go on with this, since I could handle it through my first year, so why stopping now?
But somehow, four months ago the new semester started and the study-load suddenly increased exponentially. We had quiz every week, assignments every now and then, endless projects (not just mandatory projects from the lecturers – me and my friends somehow started an independent group project that caused me almost two days without sleep a few months ago..) new lab reports every week, crazy hard subjects, and just more series of other craziness.
Aaaaand.. I am still not done yet. I also decided to (once again) take part in the campus’ student organization.
Dang it, what have I done.
I don’t know either.
I always have this thought in my head – if I could live to the fullest, why stop being not full?
I seriously thought I could get away with everything, still live and everything..
but then, four months later, here I am, spending my days with nothing but crying.
The last few days (
if not weeks) I cried so much I can’t help myself. My whole body and mind refused to work, I couldn’t get anything done properly, and I am just dysfunctional.
I have never felt this way before, so I wondered what is it that’s happening to me? Why do I feel so exhausted, lost, and useless? I even thought of giving everything up and end everything. I almost end up having suicidal thoughts, but thankfully I didn’t get that far.
Once or twice, (
if not everyday) I looked at my friends. I see just how passionate they are, how they got so much force to keep on going, and going, and going.
Why can’t I be that way?
Guess what, I tried. I tried to keep on going and going and going and going and going.. aaaand keep on going.. But I just couldn’t.
I can’t do well in the quizzes. I didn’t make good reports. I couldn’t keep up with the subjects being taught and discussed at class. I couldn’t get assignments done. I got issues with deadlines. I pissed so many people. I couldn’t prepare enough for my service days at church. I couldn’t stay in contact with my friends. I had the worst absent anyone can even imagine. I can’t concentrate on anything. I felt left behind, lonely, and exhausted..
Even now, in the finals.. I couldn’t do well. Tomorrow’s the last subject’s test, and I don’t even know what the subject’s about.
They said if it’s your path, you’ll do just fine. You’ll do well!
I told myself that I could do anything if I have enough will. But reality slapped me right in the face. Even with the will, I still couldn’t handle everything.
I questioned everything. What is it that I did wrong? Does this means I’m walking on the wrong path?
I know it’s not the activity that I need to blame. I know that blaming won’t fix anything.
I cried, I wrote, I slept, I talked, I tried anything I could to help myself.. because I hit rock bottom. I have never got hit this low before. I have never felt the feeling of not having anymore strength or will to get back up. I just got beaten so bad I couldn’t seem to recover.
I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t do anything. It was the worst.
But strange enough, I realized something. Something quite important for me.
In fact, through the roller coaster God brought me, He gave me the chance to grow.
If I have never had any crush, I wouldn’t start questioning my ability to accept myself as me and see the things I need to learn in building relationship – including my relationship with God.
If I have never hit rock bottom with my grades and all, I wouldn’t ever re-consider the path I am having and seeing the things that I really want to do, and where God wants me to work at.
If I have never got weak enough, I wouldn’t have the experience of shouting to the LORD, for no one else would be able help me.. and I got no more hope if it’s not in HIM.
And as I learned about all this.. I could see that no matter how bad these days are, how it felt like a sad ending instead of a good one..
Well, everyone, it’s not the ending. At least .. not yet.
What I see right now as rock bottom, as grey and sad.. It’s actually a junction.
I couldn’t seem to see where the road goes on, but it’s not the end of the road. It’s actually only a start of a new road, that’ll take me somewhere.
So at the end of this post.. let’s rephrase everything. It’s December.
It’s only a few days before the holiday starts. It’s also time to cuddle tighter inside the blanket. It’s also almost the start of a new year.