I don’t really understand why, but lately I lost all motivation to do anything.
I do realize things are still unstable for me, for things were just beginning to resolve after the recent mental earthquake that I had to endure.
Looking back, it feels weird, because all the things that I used to love seemed so far away. Even though I can recall the excitement in every activity and all the positive results of doing those activities I used to love, but I couldn’t do more than that. Recalling was all that I can do, but to feel the same way.. well, sadly, doesn’t happen anymore.
Even though I tried hard to live in the moment and all, telling myself that I love all this, everything is super fun, exciting and enjoyable! I kept feeling like I’m telling lies to myself.
Even worse, all of the responsibilities that I took before is now in the brink of getting abandoned, because I just can’t seem to see the point of doing anything, the point of keep on working.
All the conversations I used to cherish, relationship with people that I used to treasure.. somehow all of those faded away. As if someone had just lowered my life’s pictures’ saturation level too much, and intentionally added some gray-ish filter.
*instagram addict detected*
All I want to do is to stop. And just don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything.
People don’t seem to notice, of course. I do things like how I normally do. Or, perhaps, like the way I recalled I used to do. I laugh normally, I act normally, I study normally, I even still do community service and all.. But I know best. Somewhere inside, I am not the same person anymore.
Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe it’s not. Maybe things will change, maybe not.
A few weeks back, I told my parents that all I want to do is to heal from my heart aches, and just let the wounds close and dried.
“I want to heal.” is one side of my thought. But the other sides were standing against it in ways that no one would understand. It’s like getting trapped in a spider web.
“I hate being this way.” is also another weak side. It just didn’t win. Should I add ‘yet’? Cause I really don’t know.
Like I said, I just want to stop.
But stop from what? What does ‘to stop’ means? Why would I stop? How can I stop?
I don’t really know how to help myself, and even.. sometimes I’m not sure if I want to be helped, really. Some parts of me are just concentrating on giving up, and killing other parts. So I’m not really sure.
Maybe it’s true. I need to stop, somehow.