If the battle was about the bad and the good, things would get much easier.
But the real deal is that I am not facing with such choices.
I am facing something that calls deeper than a simple fairytale-ish problem solving ability.
I’m talking about choosing between thousands shades of grey,
To see which shade suits you best.
To see which shade was your way to pop your colors.
I have no problem with life, I’m living a good life.
But at some points in life you just have to choose, and that is not the easiest thing to do.
So many times I felt left out, not good enough.
As if all that I’ve been choosing to do and all that I know I can do got thrown away to the trash.
Not knowing where to look, because all my features seemed to go flushed in the loo.
I thought I was good enough one day, and I found out I am just a nobody the next day.
Thought I have been bleeding in the war for victory,
Then found out that others have been dying.
Then found out I was playing no part.
Then found out I was standing in the furthest battle line, acting all mighty.
There’s nothing wrong, I’ve done my best.
I kept telling myself that, but why does regret builds higher and higher everyday?
Well, was it regret? or was it nothing but my own expectations?
“I am turning down whatever it is that people think about me.”
“They can talk sh*t, I don’t care.”
I’m dying to shout those words, yet I just can’t.
The people are part of my life. I was born to listen.
Consider that a curse – I don’t know.
If I question myself one more time, what is it that I want?
I don’t think I can answer it.
If I question, who am I?
I don’t think I can answer it either.
If the rainbow was nothing but light illusion, then where am I standing?
One day I was blue. The other day orange.
But then the sun goes down, and I realized that my eyes were just being fooled.
They said if you know just this much, then stop.
Don’t question more, don’t ask for more.
You’ll just find out you’re wasting your energy.
But what if I am already in the middle of falling?
To choose whether I would close my eyes or open them.. that would make a difference, right?
If I decided to swallow my fear and keep my eyes and arms open.. Will I see and grab hope?
If I decided to close my eyes and hang on tight.. Will I end up landing alright?
I want to ask and get answered. I need an answer.
But no one’s got the answer.
Cause once again, I suppose no one really knows.
Which shade of grey would last, when the last bit of light is the only thing remains.
I guess this must be what growing up actually means – to lose your way and your mind.
And not knowing what to do.
To get used to questioning, without seeing any obvious answers.
To walk with faith, and not by sight.