“If you have forgotten how depression feels like, well, let me tell you. It’s suffocating. You just can’t breathe.”
My regular journal entry always goes along such lines for the past few months.
Of course there would be days when I get things done and seem more okay-ish, but most of the days, I can’t function at all.
One of these days, try and ask me how I feel and what I’m going to do – I would give you a super awesome “I don’t know” answer. End of story.
I hate myself, I feel pathetic all the time.
I kept writing and writing, trying to understand myself, trying to analyze everything that happened, trying to see what the hell is wrong with my self.
Why? How did I get entrapped in this horrible mental prison? Why do I keep feeling useless and spiritless? What is wrong with me?
But the deeper I ask, the crazier I get. I got nothing. I can’t answer.
And there goes my days, as helpless as usual.
No, if you meet me, you won’t even notice. Even the closest people around me would never notice. I am just the same crazy girl I have always been, I even seem passionate and really active in front of some people.
I’m the only one who knows exactly what happens and just how dark it is inside.
I kept hating myself, day by day. Telling myself just how useless I am, how no one could help me, how my days are cursed forever to be grey, and I would never be able to finish anything.
Oh I even googled my problems. Can you believe that?
And every time I do, the result would be the same – I am in depression, and a bunch of other advice…..
Trust me, I have tried all the advice – tried talking to someone, tried filling my days positively, tried this and that.. well, sometimes it works, but mostly it doesn’t.
And when the episodes came back, well, I just end up feeling beaten once again.
You might not understand – but I just can’t function at all. And that sucks. That sucks big time.
For a workaholic like me, an effin perfectionist, a low-esteemed horse, well, NOT DOING ANYTHING because I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO IT is a horrible condition. It’s hell within myself.
And I am just tired.
Every time I questioned myself, the answers are either I am too weak, I am too stupid, I’m not trying hard enough, criticismcriticism, blah blah, hatred, hatred, hatred, boo.
Nothing good comes from within, and I am sick.
I am sick of hating myself. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of being judged by no one but myself. I am sick of hating myself. Did I just repeat myself? well. You heard me. Or read me? Whatever.
So I’m telling all those haters inside of me, I don’t give an f. I’m sorry for the bad words, but seriously.
KEEP ON HATING ALL YOU WANT, I am sick of hating myself.
So I danced, I played that nice-beat-song with nice choreography, and I danced.
I danced the hate away, because I can.
Go on and keep whispering those hate – I am not listening to you. Not tonight. Not ever.
Here I am, like a kid covering her ears – I can’t hear you, because I know it’s not good to keep haters inside of me. Go and hate all you want. Go on.