Amphibian Ambiversion

It’s annoying, you know. Living as someone who is in the middle.

I am a middle child.

Not old enough to be taken seriously, not young enough to be showered by endless spoiling actions.

I’m not an extrovert, and you can almost say I’m an introvert.. But not quite right either.

I always craved a career where I can be the center of difference, the one who lit up the night because I know I have causes that I’d love to fight for.. but at the same time, I hate being the center of attention at a lot of times.

I want to know it all and stop arguing, yet at the same time, I have the urge to keep on speaking up even though at the end if drains me, and I feel humiliated by myself.

I enjoy being mysterious. But at a lot of times, it hurts as well.


If you ask me, what is it that you really want?

I’m sorry, I can’t really answer that.

I’m the jack of all trades – I love so many things, yet lacking depth in many as well.

I question a lot, why do I live so ambiguously?

I truly envy those who could easily tell what their strength are, what their weaknesses are, what kind of situation they belong to, and bravely state all those issues and take easy choices.

While me being the person that I am, always struggles to state anything firmly, because it always depends on a lot of different things.

One day I’m the life of the party. The other days, well, I am just a strange girl trying to stay in the background.


But as a friend stated beautifully at class,

We always wanted things we don’t have.


A frog wishes to live as a tree snake, the tree snake wishes to fly as the eagles did, the eagles wish to swim like the sharks. The sharks wish to be able to taste both water and earth just like frogs.

And the cycle continues. And no one gets happy.

Perhaps  the ambiguous one was not the way I was born with. Perhaps it is my heart that is not firm enough to be thankful for what I was born with.



“So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe, we’ll never know most of them.

But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things.

And we can try to feel okay about them.”

– Charlie’s epilogue (Chbosky’s Perks of Being a Wallflower.)

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