“I am disappointed because I honestly expect life to go along smoothly. I tried hard and worked hard during those times I was at school. I didn’t do anything that everyone said would block my way, and yet here I am, so damn confused and lost, with nothing much.”
A straight forward phrase I quoted freshly from my journal.
Lately I have been tortured every single day because nothing felt right. I don’t know what I want to do, and everyone expects me to know. To let them know.
I want to tell them and brag about the whole ‘great journey of the little girl from Jakarta to awesomeness’ but hey I have no idea about what to tell. I don’t even know if such journey exist.
And knowing such a thing sucks.
I have always been afraid of people and how they will look down on me. Like I’m a nobody. But then, tables turned, Ha. I am a nobody. There’s no excuse to that, it’s the truth.
I don’t know what or where to go, I hate my own major, I hate the pressure of being someone ‘awesome’ for the next minute, I hate to pretend having all the journey planned a head and so on and so on.
Deep down inside, I am just a scaredy cat, afraid of what to come. I would graduate next year, and I need to tell my parents exactly what I want to do next. And I have no single clue.
Like I said in the beginning. I hang on to the hope that after my struggle at school, dude, my life would go smooth, smoother that King Sulaiman’s finest silk. Too bad, none of it happens.
I thought life is just another game that I can cheat upon. It’d be an easy feat. I would run around with easy victory, because I’ve always been one. Dang it, it doesn’t happen.
With all the “do what you like and you won’t feel like working..” lies and “Find what you like” speeches, I end up being delusional. That life would be one great journey you just have to play along easily.
Truth being told, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Or a free success. Or a free enrollment to the Ivy Leagues.
It’s a continuous hard work and difficult choices.
It’s uncomfortable, has no certainity, so darn difficult, embarrassing, and so on and so on. The list of shit doesn’t get shorter, people.
It is hard, even just to admit such facts.
The fact that my life might not be that wonderful, as I imagined. The fact that once or a lot of times, I’d end up making mistakes and wrong choices. The fact that I am not a know it all. The fact that nobody knows the cheat codes to victory in life. The fact that I have been delusional.
It’s hard work. It’s discomfort. It’s a crazy roller coaster ride with no seat belts available. No safety, no insurance.
It doesn’t feel good.
And yet that is the point of life. It doesn’t feel good because it’s comfortable and easy. It will feel good because you decided to keep pushing on and let adrenaline rush through you and teach you crazy maneuvers throughout the no-good journey.
So I am welcoming myself to the constant fear, uncertainity, discomfort and embarassment. Because when else will you get this shot of insanity? you only live once!