Today, I cried in front of my mom. Even worse, we’re in the middle of a super crowded mall, at dinner time, on Good Friday.
All she asked me was, “What have you been searching? Did you find any scholarship information whatsoever already?”
I wanted to explain things to her slowly and confidently but apparently, I can’t. And my tears builds up faster than my words.
I have always been concerned about the future. My future. What should I do next? Where should I go? Will these steps be of any support next? Which path should I take next?
Yet, no matter how hard I question them, the answer never came out clear. I am never sure of what to do next. How can you? How do you know what’s the best path when your path is a unique path that no one has ever stepped on? That’s how I feel.
I am scared. Because I don’t know where to go.
I am scared. Because through the journey of my studies, I keep finding that I don’t like the majority of my subjects.
I am scared. What if I have taken the wrong route?
I am super scared. If I take a turn now or after this, will that be the right turn? Or even if I stay, is the right path?
I am afraid of taking the wrong step and end up wasting my time and blew all my chances away. I don’t want that. I want to be someone who doesn’t stop being useful. Someone with a future – someone who doesn’t spend her life only to pass it by and to be useless. I hate even the idea of that. And such thoughts haunts me for as long as I can remember.
But at the same time, I don’t want to spend my time by fighting on fights I know doesn’t belong to me. I don’t want to waste my energy, my chances, my abilities, to go down a path that I don’t feel worthy for myself.
Such a confusing state.
The fear of not knowing where to go next burdens me like I have never imagined. Millions of ‘what-ifs’ comes and goes, and I am never sure or anything. Yet.
But after a long day, my dad called me out after he heard what happened from my mom.
I told him how unsure I am and how desperate I am in finding ‘my place’, wherever that is. Because I know somewhere, it does exist. And how I found out I didn’t enjoy most of what I’ve been doing. However, at the same time, I am not even sure whether I should take a turn or two, or to stay.
And he answered me, “If you need advice about taking turns, ask your little brother. Even he knows there are only two turns in this world : to the left or to the right.”
“Don’t worry about taking turns. That’s how life goes. And it’s okay to do so.”
I hate making mistakes, I hate not knowing where to go, I hate being stuck in a confusing state, I hate having no certain plan.
But then that’s what he told me. To make things simple and not to worry. Even when in time, you realised you should go and take a different path, no matter how far, never worry. You are always on the right path, because you are taking those consciously, and with all your heart. And that makes every turn a right turn. Because no path will leave you no mark. There will always be lessons along the way, there will always be a reason for you to be there at a certain time.
Back at the mall after a few drops of tears was able to fall, my mom told me, “You know how everything holds a special lesson for you. So then, enjoy them. Enjoy life and its lessons. Be happy because of it. Don’t let it bring you down.”
I don’t know whether you’ve felt this way before or if you’re feeling the same way right now, but no matter where you are, let’s learn together.
Even when it’s a weird journey, it’s always meaningful. Be happy and enjoy it while it lasts.