On the end of January, a realisation hit me. It’s nearing the second month of the new year, and I haven’t kept my promise of learning more about myself!
After a very brief consideration and help from some articles online, I took my phone and deleted all the social media apps available. It happened only for a split second, and I purposefully didn’t give myself time to reconsider things. I knew if I kept waiting, I’d end up not making any decision.
And so it happened. The only social-media-related app remained in my phone were the chatting apps, which I regularly need to use to communicate with my colleagues and friends.
What I felt for the thirty days after were pretty much indescribable.
I’d find myself mindlessly search for the apps that were already gone multiple of times throughout the day. Every time my mind felt disengaged, I’d reach my phone.. only to find nothing in it. No notifications to react to, no posts to comment, no jokes to mindlessly scroll and share, and so on and so forth.
When I finally realised what I did, it came clear to me that things has been wrong for quite a while. It feels as if my brain had been trained into searching for instant gratification in the shape of engagement in social media, without me realising it.
For the first time in forever, I became aware of how much “free time” I spent mindlessly wandering inside the virtual web. The knowledge was pretty terrifying to accept.
After a few days of feeling ‘empty’, I finally caught the hang of it. Thus In times when I started to feel the itch and disengagement, I started planning for my days – I started to question what is it that I need to start doing, what I could do to be a better person, what I’ve always wanted to discover and learn, and try to do them all.
I tried thousands of different things, and get another hundreds done.
At the same time, I started to realise how my emotions felt amplified. I’ve always been a sensitive person who’s aware of my own emotions almost all the time, but have never put much awareness over it. Through the time without the easy-to-access social media, I began to put more consciousness into how I feel, and commit myself into living each moment wholly.
I found more strength in me to fight the whole negativity that’s always been hard to fight. I found questions I’ve always wanted to avoid and fought them head on.
I finally had the space in my mind to objectively see myself as I am. I could see clearly what my needs were, how I feel about things, and decide on what are the things that are important for me.
It’d be beyond me to say that I’ve become a whole better person nor have I changed into a seriously awesome guru with endless enlightenment.. But I do feel that I found more authenticity to who I am, after diminishing the presence of social media and the need to always ‘validate’ myself through social media posts.
It was a great experience with lessons I’d take for the rest of the year, even beyond.